TRUST
There was a time when I believed control was the only way to keep my world in order. Planning every detail, mapping out every outcome,it was how I protected myself. I felt safest when I knew exactly what to expect, and when I didn’t, it felt like I was losing a part of myself.
Spontaneity was always a struggle because if something wasn’t planned, it felt uncertain, and uncertainty felt unsafe. I carried this into everything my work, my friendships, and especially my relationships. It wasn’t just about wanting things done a certain way; it was about fearing what would happen if they weren’t. Delegating felt impossible because trusting someone else with an outcome I couldn’t predict meant surrendering a piece of control that I wasn’t ready to let go of.
But life has a way of challenging the walls we build lol……
This season of my life emphasised teaching me that my need for control wasn’t just about structure or preparation, it was about TRUST... And at the heart of it, my struggle to trust people was also a struggle to fully trust God. I was so accustomed to orchestrating everything that I didn’t leave space for faith. My fear of things going wrong revealed a deeper fear: what if I let go and things don’t turn out the way I hoped? What if I get hurt? What if I’m not enough when I’m not the one making things happen?….. there was just alot of what IFs.
This realization shook me, especially in my relationships. I saw how my need to control things made me mother people instead of letting them show up as themselves and allowing them their exesses . I wanted to feel at peace, that everyone knew their role and place to be essential, to ensure everything was okay. But in doing so, I wasn’t allowing people to just be, infact, i could argue that those that have been in my life either love me so much that theyve accepted that this is Alex or are not completely free around me . I sought validation in being the one who held everything together, but what I really needed was to trust that I would still be worthy even if I let go.
And so, I’m learning.
I’m learning that trusting others doesn’t mean losing myself. That releasing control isn’t a sign of weakness but of courage. That my worth is not in how well I manage outcomes, but in how present I am in the unfolding of life. I’m learning to hold space for uncertainty and to believe that I am safe, even when I don’t know what’s next.
Letting go is HARD, but I’m discovering the beauty in surrender. In friendships, in love, and in my faith, I am choosing to loosen my grip. Because maybe, just maybe, the most beautiful things in life aren’t meant to be controlled they’re meant to be experienced.
Lean not to your own understanding ……
